Today, in my FREE online course, ‘Manifesting Your Dream Life – The Power of Positivity, Vision Mapping and Goal Setting’ I asked the question, “Today I am thankful for ______.”
It was a ‘fill-in-the-blank’ question for the course participants to answer.
What is magical and amazing about this course is that I learn something new about myself every single time I teach it. As we evolve and grow new lessons are brought to the forefront and made clear for us as we are ready to receive them.
To this question, here is my response:
Sometimes things in life cause us to be tentative, fearful, isolated and introverted, even though these traits are not our nature.
To share a little more about myself, without writing a novel, from the years 2001 to 2010, for a number of obscure and emotional reasons, I ran away.
I disappeared. I left my family. I moved to a different state all alone and no one knew where I was for quite some time. Those years were both the worst and best of my life. Without my family I was so alone and so isolated that I sunk into a deep depression. I was so lost and contemplated ending my life on many occasions. However, that depression lead me to life saving therapy and a shift within me that allowed me to let people in more than I ever had done before. And, without my family, their comments, opinions and influence I was able to accomplish great things all by myself.
Coming back to my family was even harder than leaving. Each of them had mourned my leaving in their own way. Each of them had a Gemma sized hole to fill when I abruptly removed myself from their lives. They each missed me for their own reasons and had moved on. When I returned there were a lot of emotions swirling around with everyone.
Coming back I knew my family loved me, but they weren’t going to let me back into their world easily, they too had been hurt. So, for the past 5 years I have tiptoed around them, always feeling like the outsider at family gatherings. Watching my family embrace my husband and children fully but not quite there with me.
I have been going through all the motions of being a family member without feeling like I truly belonged there. I didn’t act like ‘myself.’ It’s hard to be ‘you’ when you feel like a third wheel in your own family. I thought I was doing this to allow them time to get to know me again, but the truth is, I didn’t know who I was around them anymore.
Through my own online course, ‘Manifesting Your Dream Life – The Power of Positivity, Vision Mapping and Goal Setting,’ as well as some intense soul searching and introspection I have been able to reconnect with who I am and what makes me ME.
So, when posed with the question this morning of what I am thankful for this is my response:
Last night we had a family gathering for my Uncle’s birthday. I had an amazing, empowering and awesome attitude about the whole thing. I, literally, said to myself, “FUCK IT!!! I’m ME. I love them all, I know they love me. But, if they’re not going to like me, let them not like the REAL me.” Last night I was 100%, all out, unapologetically ME. I danced with all the kids, I took them outside in the rain, I told loud funny stories, I asked people what they were up to (always felt like I should already know what my cousin’s husbands were in school for or their wives did for a living, but I honestly did not know. I was afraid to ask.) And, you know what? They all looked at me differently. My cousins looked at me like they found me again, finally. It reminded me of that scene in the movie “Hook” when the lost boy grabbed Peter Pan’s (played by Robin Williams) face and says, “Oh, there you are Peter.” I was me again. I know I missed me and wonder if they did too.
It was, for me, the best family gathering since 2005.
It felt amazing. I felt like me again.
So, I am thankful I’m finding ME again, unapologetically!